As I begin to write this, I wish I could just sigh, and sit
down across from you with a cup of coffee. This is probably the hardest post
I’ve had to write since being in Africa.
On April 4th, one of my teammates passed away in
a car accident here in Port Elizabeth. Sarah Buller was riding in a car with 2
of my other teammates and a South African friend when a tire on the car popped
and the car rolled. The other three escaped with some bumps and bruises, but
Sarah did not make it.
Sarah was an incredibly sweet 18 year old from a small town
in Minnesota. She was the oldest of 9 kids. She loved the Lord and she had a
joyful spirit that rubbed off on everyone around her. And we miss her with an
ache.
As you can imagine, this loss left a big hole in our team,
our house and our hearts. For many of us, this was our first experience dealing
with a tragedy like this. The week following her death held a lot of crying,
questioning, mourning, anger, and stress with figuring out all of the
logistical details concerning the accident. A memorial was held at the church
on the following Wednesday.
A week later, 3 of our teammates went home, for various
reasons, and the rest of us left for Cape Town for a few days, in order to rest
and process the events of the last week.
I could write several pages detailing the emotional roller
coaster we were on throughout this ordeal. I experienced anger, hurt, confusion, sadness, discouragement and
frustration, to name a few. I didn’t want to talk to God, and even in the
moments when I wanted to pray, I didn’t know what to say. My teammates felt the
same way. Once again, God was teaching me that I don’t have all the answers and
that I don’t understand His ways.
In the last few weeks I have learned (or re-learned) several
lessons. I am still figuring out how to make sense of everything. I was
reminded of the sweetness of praising God through tears. I saw the importance
of the body of Christ-because when I had no words, the prayers of others
strengthened me as they held my hand and prayed for me. I saw my faith tested,
as I had to choose between joy and discouragement, love and selfishness, and
perseverance and wavering in the midst of this trial. It has been a battle to
keep my heart soft through it all. In my selfishness, I wanted to put up walls
and turn off these emotions. I didn’t want to talk about it or listen to
others. But I knew in my heart that healing comes from reaching out and dealing
with whatever emotions come from inside me or the people around me. I needed my
community in order to get through this. So things got messy, as we held each
other and cried, listened to each other as we talked about our anger and
frustration, prayed for and with each other, sat in silence in our seemingly
empty house, and just walked through it all together. It hasn’t been easy. And
we are all learning what it means to be broken and humbled before a sovereign
and good God, in the midst of a situation that we can’t comprehend.
Although the “program” doesn’t officially end until May 13th,
we felt it would be best for the team to go ahead and get back to the states a
little early to allow more time for healing and rest and to process everything
that has happened. Our time here was coming to a close, and our hearts are
pretty tired.
Well, thanks for listening. These paragraphs seem like a
pretty cold way to communicate the things that have been going on inside me.
But that’s where I am. Still hurting, still tired, but hopeful and thankful for
the lessons God has been pounding into my heart.
Psalm 27 has been speaking to me the last couple of days…I
won’t write it all out here but it’s always a good one to go back and read:
The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life, of whom shall I be afraid?
…Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear;
Though war arise against me, yet I will be confident.
…And now my head shall be lifted up above my enemies all
around me,
and I will offer in His tent sacrifices with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make melody to the Lord.
…I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living!
Wait for the Lord, be strong and let your heart take
courage; wait for the Lord!
