When
I first got to Port Elizabeth, I prayed that during my time here God would
reveal true brokenness to me. When I prayed that, my thoughts were that I would
certainly see brokenness by working at CCMP in the township every day. How can
you miss it in a community plagued with poverty and injustice?
CCMP and Algoa Frail Care, I spend about 25 hours a week in ministry. The rest
of my time is spent with my teammates: morning bible studies, meals, free
nights, church, socializing, large group ministry. Pretty much every waking
hour of the week, I am with some or all of my teammates. Needless to say, you
get to know each other pretty well.
And it is not easy, to say the least. We share chores, cooking responsibility,
and bathroom times (9 girls and 1 bathroom = very difficult). We share clothes,
movies, and music. We’ve had to adjust to living with people who are messy,
clean, early risers, noisy sleepers, forgetful, moody, quiet, loud, picky
eaters, late-night texters, etc. We’ve experienced conflict, disunity, and
misunderstanding. We’ve had to learn what it means to be vulnerable with each
other. We’ve cried to each other and been mad at each other. We’ve shared our
life stories with each other and the issues we have at home. My teammates have
come from abusive backgrounds and broken families. As a team, we’ve been
through A LOT, including rape, physical and verbal abuse, divorce, attempted
suicide, alcoholism, drugs, addictions. You name it, someone on this team has
experienced it.
has shown me brokenness. But not in the place I expected to find it the most.
He’s shown me brokenness in the people closest to me, the people that I see all
the time. But I didn’t want to see it in those people. Its almost easier for me
to go to the township and hear stories of broken lives, because I can leave at
5:00 and forget about it for a while. But when I live with people who have
these kinds of issues, it’s hard. There aren’t any other words to describe it.
There is no escape. I have to force myself to look it in the face. I can try to
block it out, but it keeps coming up. God forgive me for trying to ignore it!
It makes me angry! I HATE that my friends cry after talking to their families
at home. I HATE that they have self-image problems because of abusive parents.
I HATE that they have problems trusting people because of their past. I don’t have
to drive 20 minutes to the township to find broken hearts. All I have to do is
wake up in the morning and look around my room.
And
I want to block it out. Its easier to pretend everything is peachy, because if
I stare this stuff in the face and cry with my friends, I’ll realize that I
don’t have all the answers either, and my heart will break.
This
is hard. But it is so, so good. There have been few times in my life when my
heart has been broken for a friend. I think I can count them on one hand. But it
is good for me to get out of my own head and my own tiny problems so that I can
focus my energy on the people around me. It is good for me to listen to my
friends and pray for and with them. It is good for me to think about them and
to put myself in their shoes. It is good to sit with them on the floor of our
living room and say “I don’t know! I don’t have the answers! But lets lean on
the grace of God together”.
God’s
heart is redemption. His kingdom comes when the bad is made good, the humble
are lifted high, the tears are turned to smiles. But in order to truly realize
how great God’s kingdom is, I think we have to identify ourselves with the hard
stuff.
God’s
been teaching me a lot about this Kingdom concept since I’ve been here. Jesus
talks about it a lot. I’m still learning about it. My prayer is that I would
seek it out in every situation. In all the situations where I’d least expect
it, that’s probably where it will be found.
“Our
Father in Heaven, hallowed be your name. Your kingdom come, your will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven….”
We are all broken, and isn’t funny but that’s how God uses us, with all our brokenness. Kind of like the potter and the clay, God uses our brokenness to touch someone else, someone else touches us because of their brokenness. I know I have many imperfections and God is continually working on me. We will only be perfect and like Christ when we get to Heaven. Your words touch me Sara.